Ayahuasca Journey 9: My Letter to Matt on Cosmic Consciousness

🕒 7 MINUTE READ

Hi Matt,

Just wanted to reach out to you regarding your experience mentioned in your blog.

http://mattbelair.com/ayahuasca-a-dip-into-the-stream-of-cosmic-consciousness/

I've had the same experience as you. I've done Ayahuasca up to 9x now. 1st trip being initiation and ego death. 2nd trip being my first glimpse of the cosmic consciousness where I had flash of it and my awareness expanded and then it dissipated. 3rd trip, again I had a flash of cosmic consciousness but this time it fully kicked in and I was abiding in that state for the duration of my trip (about three to four hours). Although like you said, time is not really a concept in this realm. In this state, I felt like a massive ball of energy. Sphere like in the domain of consciousness.

I walked as if I were a spirit, no longer feeling the weight of my body. I felt like a massive being, larger than my usual self. Things were visibly separate within, but knowingly part of the whole and part of my sphere. The space between separation felt like it had some sort of invisible tangible quality. There were pixels and sparkles everywhere within empty space, like a matrix. Some cosmic field that's part of the illusion. As you mentioned, this 4th dimension is something our mind normally does not perceive.  Everything was high def 1080P, not even, more like 4K TV. All formations of objects were perfect without flaws. There exist within the field, various colors that ranged from indigo to green or at times crystal clear.  A part of this, was a deep feeling and knowing, that I am the creator and everything in my field of consciousness was created by me with the utmost detail for the sake of experience among the multitudes of other experiences. Not knowing how or why (most likely a limitation of human experience and intelligence), but like you said, a feeling and perception that I've been here before, more like I've always been here, and have been for eternity. This is a simple fundamental truth. I felt immensely powerful, focused, highly confident, and fully sure of myself. I couldn't help but expand my body and flex my arms as Mother Ayahuasca was expressing herself through me. She was surging her energy through my very being. I would have loud random outbursts of "OMs" that would completely overtake my body with vibrations pouring out of my mouth directly from my gut (solar plexus). Like you, I'm also a Chan practitioner, and somehow, the hours sitting in full lotus meditation has built up a lot of energy in my body.

In my brain, I would have a feeling of union between the left and right hemispheres. I would have pinnacle or peak experiences where I felt my brain was melding or merging into one sphere. I'd feel brain vibrations and see divine yellow and white lights as these moments kicked in and erupted into braingasms.

4th trip I would feel the same. 5th trip I did not. 6th trip once again, I would experience the same. Mother Aya channeling her life force through me, showing me Cosmic Consciousness, Shiva Being, God Mode.

7th trip it was there, but by far more subtle. In this 4th dimension, I encountered a cosmic entity, but I will not get into that, as we both know, they are still part of the one. 8th trip was interesting. I saw quite a few cosmic entities and also watched my body die. When I saw death dawn upon me, I realized my being continued to persist and was still aware and existing. I was the Eternal Timeless Being, the Self. Again this was cosmic consciousness but in a much subtler form, but deeper in meaning. I wasn't all puffed up like a ball bellowing vibrations out of my mouth. Although, I thought this one experience would last into sobriety but it never did. However, the teaching and understanding is still there.

Just today, I had my 9th trip and it was everything as I described in my 3rd in the longer paragraph above. Only this time, the sphere of consciousness felt way more prominent and that empty space within the field, like you said is not even really empty. You can perceive the substance although it can't really be seen, touched, smelled, or heard, but it is known by your very being. I was able to visualize mental images normally depicted in the mind's eye projected out onto this field where I could see my non verbal thoughts with my eyes opened. I've come to believe this to be the mental body field.

Based on your description, I believe our experiences are pretty much the same. Definitely trippy stuff. Ayahuasca is like a cheat or steroids for meditation. It gives you a glimpse of what zen masters and yogis come to see and realize without the years of meditation, only difference is that the state doesn't last once you sober up. As the Buddhist tell you, don't be attached to states, all is impermanent. We are to abide as the eternal, unchanging, and timeless cosmic being. From emptiness arises all form, and non duality encompasses both emptiness and form, that is oneness. Would love to hear back from you, if you could relate. Also, what is your perception of the world since you've had your experience?

"You already are, what you seek." -Rumi
"You are the universe experiencing itself." -Alan Watts 

Peter Wang

P.S. In our normal state, we feel bound by our bodies, our thoughts, and our emotions, but that's the illusion. We aren't our bodies nor are we our minds. We're something way bigger. The totality of all manifest and unmanifest. All existence is made of consciousness and we are THAT. Buddhist call this big mind, or even no mind, no self. Hindus call it the absolute, The Self, Brahman, Shiva Being. Christians call it Christ Consciousness, surrender, and acceptance. It's super fascinating to discover our true nature. This is enlightenment. This is the Tao. We are all actors part of the cosmic dance, a play of life, what the Hindus call "lila". All manifestations are of the ONE, who likes to play hide and seek with itself. The ONE, who loves to get as far as it it can away from its own being. So that the drama ensues. This is the ONE's entertainment. 

Nataraja is known as the Cosmic Dancer, a depiction of Lord Shiva and his divine dance

A strong ego will be the least to understand this. Identifying too much with personality and who one establishes themselves to be as a person, an individual, will not understand these remarks. The quieter your mind, the more you will begin to know and understand. The more thoughts you have and the more active your mind is, you will not be able to see. Silence is the key. This is wisdom.

Ayahuasca Journey 6: The Temptress

🕒 8 MINUTE READ

Saturday September 16th, 2017
This particular event was by far the most interesting in regards to vibe. Not so much on the visuals and the trip, but the people and the energy. We had a group of 13 and it was the second time I brought a friend. There was a lot of positive energy and laughter among the group. So here we go...

Participants: Jarvis (the shaman), May (assistant), John (Caucasian early 30s), my friend Danny (Vietnamese Mid 30s), Andor, Erika (Black in her late 30s), a young recovering heroin addict, two guys in their early 20s from Latin America, Steven (Caucasian early 40s), Blondie (Caucasian mid 30s)

Initially the group gathered and got situated and settled. There was 13 people in the studio, the most we've ever had. One corner, there was a bunch of dudes and Jarvis felt the energy was off in that area so shifted folks around. We were waiting on two stragglers, the recovering heroin addict and my friend Danny who was running late. This would be his first time. When they both finally arrived, Jarvis handed out the shots and gave his general orientation. Danny had brought in a huge blow up bed that elevated him above everyone else. It was quite funny to see.

1st Dose
As usual, I took my dose and proceeded to sit half lotus. I took one last glance at all the people in the room and went into meditation. About 30 minutes, I started getting my inner world visuals but they were not very memorable. I do recall seeing chakra colors surface regularly. Not too long after, I decided to open my eyes and relax to look around. The color of the room was very different this time. It wasn't the usual purplish cosmic looking color. Instead, there was an orange yellowish hue that made the room seem relatively warm and easy going. To my left, I looked at my buddy Danny and I could tell he was definitely feeling it, so I left him alone.

As the Ayahuasca second wave started kicking in, I began to feel the cosmic energy life force surging through me again. I couldn't help myself but to stretch and flex. It just felt like the natural thing to do. My arms were wide and spread, chest puffed, and just feeling super energetic and light like a spirit. So I decided to go outside since I was feeling expansive. As soon as I stepped outside, John who was sitting in front of the gate suddenly felt the chills and intensity as I came out. He was like "Whoa what's going on here, as soon as you stepped out, I just got all tense." We had a little chat about it and I was amazed at the fact that he could pick up on or feel that energy presence. That was really interesting. We all hung outside for quite some time with various participants coming in and out to have a brief chat about their experiences.

Like my 4th journey when I was with May, mid conversation I would feel surges of energy where my arms would expand on it's own and I'd get into a flex or stretched state. It was as if Mother Aya was channeling her energy through me. It was pretty weird as the other participants looked on. I would drop in deep silence and feel this expansive ball of energy in me and they would pick up on it. I was radiating Ayahuasca energy.

After staying outside for a bit, I decided to check up on my friend Danny. He definitely was tripping and was pretty confused and disoriented like my first time. At one point, I had asked him to describe what he felt, and he happened to stumble over some words that rolled of his tongue in his description. From that, I felt his energy and burst into hysterical laughter. That moment, a laughter bomb took off and May, who was in the center of the room started laughing too. Seconds later, the whole room, all 13 people were laughing in joy and having a blast. This would happen again not too long after. At one point during the night, Danny expressed how good it felt to exist! Amen to that my brother.

I did have a visual encounter in my purge this time around. When it was time, I stepped outside to the edge of the parking lot, went ahead and had a normal purge. After puking, I noticed dark entities or energies. Superimposed over the wall and floor, was an image of the inside of subway train. Sitting on one of the seats was a creepy fat man in his 40s wearing glasses. Next to him was a little girl. It seemed like he had intention to molest her, I immediately recognized him as a pedophile. Come to think of it now, he looked a lot like pedophile I encountered in court years ago where I found a way to excuse myself from the case as a juror. Then I shifted my attention to the little girl. Guess what, it was the same one with the pink dress with the monster face I mentioned in journey four. Not feeling too comfortable with these darker images, I went back inside. Perhaps, Mother Aya showing me justice was never served.

2nd Dose
About 2-3 hours into our first shot, it was time for the 2nd shot. I went ahead and took it and proceeded into my meditative state in the center of the room. As it kicked in, my close eyed visuals began. This time it wasn't the "cool dudes", it wasn't the little demon girl, but a new character showed up in mind. It was a very sexual seductive temptress. As I saw this beautiful naked girl dance before my mind, I actually tried to make her go away. It reminded me of the Buddha's story with Mara's daughters. How Mara tempted the Buddha with his three daughters but the Buddha was not phased by the distraction in his meditation. So I thought this was a test on my path to liberation. Focused on my breath, I was able to ignore her and she disappeared. Then I proceeded to open my eyes, and you know what, she was there again. Dancing seductively and tempting me in between the plastic centerpiece tree. She was to stick with me for most of the night. It's possible she appeared as a result of my effort in approaching 60 days of celibacy, but who knows.

During the trip, I would have these peak braingasms in my mind where light was concentrated in my forehead with rainbow colors. And at the very peak and edges where the light was the brightest in the center, hanging on the edges next to the light was the temptress, smiling, winking, and looking damn hot. She just would not leave me alone that night, it was strange. It was lust staring at my face while I was attempting to be spiritual. Quite the inner turmoil.

I then got out of full lotus because I mindfully wanted to give others the opportunity to sit in front of the candles. Behind me, aligned to me, was May performing yoga postures. Next up, was John to sit there and meditate. May continued to stay behind aligned and I decided to meditate on the opposite side of John. Still feeling the Ayahuasca power surge from the second dose and feeling uplifted, I sat there humming and singing the song Jarvis was playing (Deva Premal - Moola Mantra, my favorite). One of the guys from Latin America was tripping out in that area. Later he mentioned to me, he was going through the hell realm until he felt my presence in the back of the room when I was singing and channeling Aya's energy. He said I pulled him out of the hell realm, which he was thankful for. That was really interesting to hear.

After this, I went back to my spot, I was in such joy and happiness. Singing and just having fun. For some reason, I burst out in hysterical laughter, and once again, triggered a chain reaction across the room. I even bellowed like a monkey as I did on my fourth journey. The whole room thought it was funny and burst into laughter. We had a laughing bout for five minutes. I guess I have an infectious laugh. Danny mentioned that the whole room felt like it was vibrating when everyone was laughing. That was pretty cool.

Other than that, really fun night with a lot of interesting people and interactions. We got to hear about each other's experiences and recollect the various events that occurred throughout the night. The overall feeling across the group was highly positive. Everyone's positive energy feeding off of one another.

I had no death experience this time around. I wouldn't feel death again until journey eight.

https://www.meetup.com/AyahuascaDTLA/events/243259762/

Ayahuasca Journey 3: The Observer and Observed are One

🕒 7 MINUTE READ 

Friday August 18th, 2017
Having just died on journey one and getting a glimpse of the divine light. Then came journey two, where I experienced a flash of GOD. I had to come back for this third journey to validate what I went through was legit. I wanted to confirm that my experience was not a mistake and that I could consistently reproduce it with Ayahuasca. So that I could be certain of what I had felt. This would be the journey where I'd discover, becoming one with the cosmos. The Shiva Being.

Participants: Jarvis (the shaman), John (the assistant), May, Shiv (Indian in his early 30s), Carlos (Hispanic in his late 30s), and Flor (Hispanic woman in her late 30s).

First Dose
I don't really recollect the initial onset of this first dose. I do recall that this was the first time I got into half lotus meditative posture while waiting for Ayahuasca to kick in. At some point, it kicked in, I went ahead and laid down on my stomach. From what I vaguely recall, the initial visuals were similar to journey one and two. One very interesting feeling I recall in this trip was the experience of what I call mini "time-gaps". These time-gaps were a very a strange feeling and phenomenon. Each time one of these gaps occurred, I would feel life and time would pause for two to three seconds. I'd hear a strange squiggly noise in the center of my brain and feel a strange sensation at the bottom of my spine. Every time I heard the squiggly noise, time would stop, then resume. It was weird as fuck, and it happened a couple of times. Forgetting how long I was in this state, at some point I got up to purge in the restroom.

Being in the restroom, it felt very strange, very fake. Like some strange gimmick out of place in the middle of the universe. Anyway, I puked my guts out into to the toilet and remembered looking into the bowl, feeling a strange presence of GOD. But this was not it. This was more subtle and not as pronounced as my flash in journey two. I then proceeded with purging out the other end. Sitting there on the toilet with the lights on seeing sparkles in space and the floor moving, I started to notice the light got brighter and brighter. As I sat there taking a shit, dumping my innards out, suddenly that bright light started swelling up within me and began to expand. It was the divine light again, and this time it was expanding alongside with my awareness. I was completely dumbfounded and awestruck as this light energy surged and exploded in my mind completely overtaking my ego and becoming pure awareness. I had found GOD again with my pants down taking a shit! Confident that this was indeed the experience of the divine again, I was in sheer bliss and awe. Sitting there, suddenly I recalled to be mindful of others who need to use the restroom. I had lost track of how long I was in there.

As I walked out, I noticed something was very different about my being. Something I've never felt before. My body felt extremely light and also quite big. I was a larger expansive version of my self, with the dead weight of my body completely being lifted. I looked at my hands, they were like massive holographic hands, way longer than usual. The very perception of my being has been scaled up.

Everything felt like an illusion. So this is what the Buddhist call Samsara, or the Hindus call Maya. That our reality is in fact an illusion. As I walked, I felt like an immense being, some sort of walking spirit. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it, but it felt good and confident, as if this was the real me, standing tall and proud. Our true nature, to abide as the essence of spirit.

In this state I decided to sit down in front of the centerpiece of the studio to meditate. I sat in full lotus with relative ease, there was no pain or discomfort as there normally is when sober. As I sat there and meditated, I started to achieve single pointed concentration. At the peak of my meditation, there was perfect stillness and I became "the witness". I was the witness, watching my body and all happenings occur within me. It was like I was frozen time, yet I could still see people walking around my body. I had become the observer, watching myself in 3rd person. This was definitely some state of Samadhi. As I shifted my attention back to that which was being observed, at that moment, the observer and observed became one. Oneness, the non-dual state. There were no thoughts or feelings, just pure perception and pure awareness. Everything was complete.

As I sat there, another interesting phenomenon began to occur. Since I was abiding as the observer, I watched my body get up, grab my keys, go to my car, get a jacket, put it on, and stand outside the parking lot. I realized, what I had just perceived was that fact that I am no longer the actor. That free will is really an illusion. When you are in the state of the observer, all happenings and phenomenon continue to occur without your conscious initiative to take action. This was truly a profound realization. After this understanding, I slowly began to regain conscious control of my body. However, reflecting back on this, it almost seemed as if Ayahuasca took control of my body and that it was moving on its own. However, that was not the case. Ayahuasca simply allowed me to identify as the observer and it showed me, that a higher power continues to animate our very beings. This is true surrender. This is the natural unfolding of cause and effect, our karmas. If we are not who we take our selves to be as a body, then abiding as the observer, there lies the imperishable timeless being, that which is never born and can never die. This is where true peace lies, in the eye of the storm.

From my various Ayahuasca trips, there seems to be various stages of consciousness that can be described. From lowest to highest:

1. Unconsciousness, deep or dreamless sleep
2. Unawareness, not self aware, like some lower animal forms
3. Self aware, but in the deluded state, mistaken to be the ego, thoughts, feelings, and the body
4. Awake or aware, deep understanding that you are not the ego nor the body, but instead always mindful and abiding in the present, the current moment
5. Observer or the witness, identification with pure awareness, that which perceives the body, thought, and all waking phenomenon. A clear demarcation from all happenings. That you, abiding as the witness is not affected, cannot be touched
6. Being state, oneness with the universe, to become the totality, the observed and observer become one, there's no longer a separation of the observer (the subject) and the observed (the object). Non duality. That demarcation is merged. Yoga, union with the divine
7. And finally the non being state, emptiness, unmanifest, turiya, nirvana, pure consciousness, the source

This was a deep and profound trip. More of my third journey experience could also be found in Journey 9. There were a lot of similarities between the two.

https://www.meetup.com/AyahuascaDTLA/events/242525631/

Ayahuasca Journey 2: Synchronicity with Ganesh

🕒 7 MINUTE READ

Sunday July 9th, 2017 8PM

Four weeks prior to my 2nd Ayahuasca trip, I had a lucid dream where I entered a strange dream realm. In this mystical dream realm, I walked into a sauna full of steam and moisture. The room had an orange/pinkish hue. As I entered the room and looked to my left, I saw a giant pinkish/peachy entity with massive elephant head. He was sitting in a giant hot tub full of steam looking at me with serene eyes and acknowledging my presence. It was the Hindu deity, Lord Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. Please note, I am not Hindu and at the time, I did not know too much about Hindu deities. In fact, three years ago I was debating with my Hindu friend on why he even believes in these fairy tale religions with three faces, six arms, and elephant heads. Anyway, after Ganesh acknowledged me, I proceeded with my lucid dream, which I will not get into here.

Monday July 10th, 2017

The next day I was ranting and raving about my dream experience to one of my friend/coworker Edric at work over chat. That day, my gym partner Matteus had gone regularly to this yoga class and wanted to introduce Edric and I for first time. When I got there, guess what was the first thing I encountered in the room, a medium sized statue of Ganesh. I totally tripped out on the synchronicity and mentioned to Edric and Matteus about it.

snapchat from the yoga studio

Two weeks later, on Sunday July 23rd I encountered the opportunity to take Ayahuasca and signed up for my first session on Friday July 28th, which I will not discuss here but have gone into detail in another post. I will mention though, the day after my first trip, an image of Ganesh popped up while scrolling through random Instagram images. So I looked him up on DMT-Nexus forum and apparently, many others have encountered him. On the site, I read the following... "Ganesha is known as the Lord of New Beginnings, as the Initiator, Guardian of Gateways etc...and so it is appropriate that so many of the Ganesha experiences posted here are initial experiences." It may just be coincidental, but my first Ayahuasca trip came shortly after my vision of him in the dream I mentioned above.

Friday August 11th 2017
Fast forward two weeks later to my 2nd Ayahuasca journey, I got to the ceremony and greeted the the shaman and the other patrons and proceeded with my first dose.

Participants that night: Jarvis (the shaman in his late 30s), John (his assistant, ex-marine in his late 30s), May (she left), Paulo (from Colombia also left), and Rauchet (black male in 20s).

I laid down and as the dose kicked in 30 minutes to an hour, I started getting close eyed visuals very similar to my first trip. They were these characters in human form of various colors interacting with me through non-verbal communication, "the cool dudes". It was relatively chaotic and all over the place. Again, with the men with hats, beards, shades and pretty girls all offering me drinks and trying to interact with me by showing me things. So after staying in this inner world journey for a bit, I sat up and started to get my open eye visuals.

A rainbow colored hue, purple and pink haze began to fill the studio and the room became looking very cosmic. As if the studio was in some space like ethereal dimension, the heavens. I looked down at my feet (which seemed very child like) and sleeping bag (which felt like I was floating on some cloud being cradled in this dreamy space). As I sat there, looking up at the rainbow colored auras in the room, there appeared out of thin air on my left side this 3D virtual like being, Lord Ganesh! And the first thing I said to him was,  "Holy fuck you're real?!" Lord Ganesh looked at me and proceeded to laugh with deep bellied hearty laugh and replied "Yes, I'm real". And the second thing that came to mind was that I felt that I should ask him a question. Although not verbatim, I asked him, "What about the prophets, Jesus, the Buddha?" Not sure where I was going with my question but out of nowhere, appeared another figure in front of me next to Ganesh, a blue skinned deity no other than Lord Vishnu. He too started laughing and said... "They are all incarnations of me". I was elated and in awe of their presence.

Suddenly, to my right, burst forth this bright light and halo, quite in contrast to the purple and pink haze in the room. In that halo was a cartoonish/artsy (contrary to 3D/Virtual) white-haired old man, sitting on the grass in meditative posture, under an apple tree. He looked upon me with grace, intent, and a gentle smile. And he said to me "You found me!" Then he burst out into haughty laughter and joy. As he laughed, so did Ganesh and Vishnu. I too then started to laugh out loud with glee and joy. It was pure bliss and ecstasy, all four of us laughing and chuckling together. Then they vanished and I laid down with such a huge ecstatic smile on my face. I think that old man may have been some guide or guardian, or may be even an old guru of mine, perhaps in a past life. He looked a lot like Lahiri Mahasaya from "Autobiography of a Yogi".

Lahiri Mahasaya in full lotus

Not too long after, I began to sober up and went outside to tell one of the assistants regarding my vision. After some discussions, it was time for my 2nd dose, round two. When it started to kick in, I went back to my spot/sleeping bag and once again, after some inner world close eyed visuals, the Ayahuasca realm started to overlay the room again. I was pretty disoriented, confused, and was floored this time around. As a laid there staring out one of the windows something profound started to happen. A quick flash, where my peripheral vision and awareness began to expand and the feeling got wider and wider. As it expanded, I, the ego, my personality, my individuality disappeared. Suddenly, I became, and was the universe itself, pure consciousness/awareness. Union with divinity. The all seeing eye. Shortly after it subsided, I came to realize I had just experienced my first encounter with the Godhead, what the Hindus call Brahman. I did not encounter this on my first journey, but have experienced this in my subsequent trips and would stay in this state for much longer periods.

Of all my trips to this day, the visions that occurred on this day were the most mind blowing and will forever leave a lasting impression.

https://www.meetup.com/AyahuascaDTLA/events/242341518/